STRAIGHT UP

ONLY IN AMERICA

2006-03-12T14:50:00.000-08:00

Politically Correct Potscrubbers
Do you lay awake night after night,worrying endlessly about global warming?
I know I do!
Do you wonder, What can I as an individual do to help?
Me too!
We must all do our part,Because together we CAN make a difference.
Help eliminate the use of fossil fuels,by discarding that evil nylon pot scrubber,
and replace it with PCPs! PCPs are made from all natural loofa!
Do your part to eliminate corporate greed. Our scrubbers are manufactured locally.
Not only do we support the local economy,and donate most of our profits to local hunger relief,
(very local)
we even work on a primitive level to save our natural resources.
Instead of using steel scissors ( allowing evil corporate steel manufacturers to profit)
individual members of our family faithfully chew through each fiber carefully snipping and nibbling
them to square perfection. We are gradually losing our teeth but hey,
the environment is worth it! They are then washed by hand in the river,
using only biodegradable soaps that were hand made by a family down the street,
on their wood stove and using the ash to make their own lye,
stirred with a stick with the bark still on it.
They are then hung out to dry ,on a clothes line made of renewable hemp,
incorporating the use of solar power!
My 7 children will place each PCP in a recycled zip lock bag,
(note to neighbors, please rinse bags before disposing of them, otherwise it gets really gross)
saving our land fills and fossil fuels, a double win! PCPs are made from a renewable resource,
that adds oxygen to the air and provides local growers with income.
Each loofa plant provides a shelter for local flora and fauna,and for every one loofa harvested two more are planted,
while chanting a ritualistic verse and simultaneously beating drums
and invoking mother earths blessing on future crops and giving thanks for the ever increasing population of the environmentally conscious,because after all, there is one born every minute, and thanks
for the incom.....um opportunity to do our part to save the environment.
SEND CASH ONLY TO:
PCPs SAVING THE WORLD
PO BOX 203
GRAND RONDE, OR
97347
$1.95 plus .50 shipping and handling
PS. This is a REAL product.

2006-03-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

IF FIDO WON’T STAY

PLEASE DON’T HAVE KIDS

“Please sit. Now, stay. Do you need to go? Want to go out side and play? That’s

Mommies good boy!”

I bet you thought I was talking to my dog! No, that was a set of instructions that

any well mannered two year old should be able to obey. Yes, I did say two year old.

So if your dog is not house broken, not obedient, unable to follow simple instructions,

and ignores you, human kind will not delight in your decendents.!

If you are unable to discipline a simple creature like a dog, what makes you think you

have the capacity to train up a child? Dogs, just like children must be trained to do their

daily duties in an appropriate place. The animal must be trained to make its’ needs known

so you can provide the appropriate setting. Every one of my children were out of diapers by

the age of two and ½ . Each one was able to indicate his or her needs by the age of two. Is your

Four-legged friend still making you late for work, cleaning up little gifts left overnight on the

Garage floor? Your kids would probably be the ones still in disposables at the age of four.

Does your furry friend stay put when commanded to? My 3-year old, my six year old, and my

8 year old will all stay in their seats at the doctors office while I keep my appointments. I am the

only parent I know of, allowed to leave her children unattended in the children s’ section of the

library while I work upstairs. If your dog openly defies you when trying to get him to stay, then

your progeny will be the ones swinging from the chandeliers doing Tarzan yells.

Is your canine companion capable of proper fetching and how does this even apply to

raising children? Each of my kids when lined up at the market, shopping lists in hands, eagerly

search out and hunt down the items sought after, while comparing price and quality. This task

completed they fe..., I mean return to mommy, treasures in hand, pleased with their own efforts.

If your household dog can’t fetch, then your children will be the ones careening down the isles

with shopping carts, crashing into displays and causing general havoc.

Is Prince quite, politely not disturbing the neighbors with incessant barking that goes on and

on and on? Then your kids, won’t be the ones saying please and thank you like mine do.

Complete strangers won’t seek you out, like they do me, just to tell me how refreshingly polite

and well mannered my children are. No, your kids will be the rude brats tripping their elders in

the park just for fun.

Finally, does your furry friend have a healthy and loving respect for you? Does he or she live

to gain your praise? My children beam and radiate pride when they have a completed task for me

to inspect. That point, when we make eye contact and I say to them, not only with my eyes, but

with my touch and my time, that they have pleased me and made me proud, is all the reward they

desire. My obvious love, pride and respect for them and what they have accomplished causes

them to actively seek more opportunities to repeat the experience. If your dog just ignores you,

then your kids will be the ones that have left you all alone in some care facility at the age of 92,

never visiting you again.

Children untrained by the age of 3 are being set up for potential disaster later in life. Kids

and dogs, need time, attention and discipline.

If you don’t spend the time with your dog that it takes to train them, they will not just

magically become a, “good dog”. Kids like dogs need time, and discipline. If your really want

children then go to a dog obedience training school first, get a dog and practice. Otherwise,

please spare the world and don’t inflict the disaster you caused on the world.

The Proverbs Woman?

2006-03-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

Pinching Lincoln Till He Screams!

I really love to shop! That love often conflicts with reality. Having 9 people to care for
on a limited budget often means pulling every creative penny pinching stunt I can think of.
The thrift stores are on my checklist of stops when ever I venture out of the house for
any reason. In this land of over abundance and blended families where children sometimes
wind up with six sets of grandparents, mommies are forced to go through and toss items
the little ones are no longer interested in. A few days before and many weeks after every
holiday season, the thrift store shelves are loaded with Americas bounty, often times with
items that have never been opened. Last Christmas I purchased a toy weaving loom for
ninety-nine cents. It had been opened, but all the parts were there. I can just see some
harried working mother, looking over the complicated directions and discretely tucking
the afore mentioned item away on the top shelf of a childs’ closet and waiting for the
moment when it can be secretly transported to the nearest donation area. Her childs’
loss is my childs’ gain.
When green peace, whom I disagree with in methodology, sends me stickers with a
request for a donation, I burn their propaganda in the wood-stove, warming my home
with the tree they cut down to ask me for a donation, and happily give the stickers to my
children to play with. When businesses give me refrigerator magnets emblazoned with their
advertising I carefully cut out photos of family and friends and glue them on, adorning
my refrigerator with cost free magnets. The glue was free because I made it from a
recipe in a book obtained from a magazine at the library. The flour that was called for in the
recipe was free because my friend who gets free surplus food didn’t care for it and gave said
flour to me. Ok, ok, I did pay for the propane to cook the glue with but I had to buy that already.
Most of our clothing is given to me. When ever anyone hears of the number of people in our
family, they automatically assume I will accept large donations of any type of clothing. And I
learned long ago not to turn anything down when barter has become the underground economy
that it is today. So I get a bag of clothing with sizes most of which fit everyone but us. I have

my children help sort, wash and repackage. These items then become barter goods for other
items I can use. Thus, the size 10 white leather shoes is traded in for 3 pair of childrens shoes.
My family food budget averages around $400 dollars per month. I could make do on less,
but I’m too lazy. Surplus food agencies abound. Cooking from scratch is not hard especially if
you expend the effort in the beginning and teach your children to cook. Some one once said,
“Foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds”. I spent $300 for a Champion juicer. What
at first looks like an extravagance becomes a necessity with a family this size. I make my own
fruit based ice cream, nut butters, jams, and various other expensive items, not to mention
delicious juices. Less expensive juicers were available but would never have survived the use.
You want some homemade quick jam? Obtain any dried fruit, boil with a little water and
blenderize! You have instant jam, quick, cheap, and easy!
Save those plastic garbage bags. They have hundreds of uses. If I didn’t like plastic, because
I thought maybe today it was better to cut down a tree rather than pollute a landfill, why paper
bags it would be. After using them, I would have the kids collect pine cones, fill the bags and
fire up the old wood-stove again.
I’ve been squeezing that historical coin for more than twenty years now. At first it was from
necessity. Now it has become a matter of pride. I can make do with less than you and have as
much or more than you! Don’t get me wrong. I certainly do my share of consuming out there. But with my method, I will be spending those hard earned pennies on what I want. Not what
some advertising firm tells me I want.

The Silver Lining

2006-03-01T15:37:00.000-08:00

One of my kidletts is always the optomist. He's the wizened old age of 10. We were discussing my upcoming birthday and my husband just happened to mention that I would be 49 years old!
Said sons' eyes lit up and he excitedly joined the conversation with, "Wow Mom! Just think! In one year you will be old enough to qualify for the senior discount on coffee at McDonalds!" What enthusiasm he said it with. I had to put on my blank parent face and respond with, "Wow, what an interesting thought!". It's been 5 hours since his comment and my face is still froze in place. Sigh.

The Computer Ate My Post

2006-02-22T13:09:00.000-08:00

After rejoicing over the fact that I finally got a DSL connection, I also began to jump up and down because every thing happens so much faster! There is something else that happens faster. The speed at which a virus disables your computer. Dead, my system totally shut down! And, (sob), I hadn't gotten around to backing up anything. That's not really true. I never really intended to in the first place. I mean, I had all the updates, all the virus programs, all the registry cleaners. I would like to get my hands on a virus guy and wring his little programing neck! I am at the libray now, so there will be no cartoon today. Well chow, for now.

The Alice Chalmers Caper part 3

2006-02-19T13:15:00.000-08:00

I called my husband on the cell. A very heavy sigh issued forth from the phone. Upon his arrival I was prepared for the tirade I must needs endure as a matter of consequence. After all, it was technically my fault and I was determined to maintain my cool and humbly, with humility, accept his contrition. He did asked me to walk the ENTIRE trail first.
However, any human being can only survive just so many deep heavy sighs, under the breath mutterings and shoutings, "I TOLD YOU TO WALK THE TRAIL FIRST!!!. I mean did he really think he could make me feel like anymore of an idiot than I already felt? No longer able to stand the verbal onslaught, I launched my own verbal defensive arsenal. One loud and derisive comment led to another and before I knew what was happening, I was left to tote the battery the 900 yards back to the shop. Heat, briars, and the dead weight of the battery began to fuel my own anger. So, 10 minutes later when hubby comes meekly walking back to me, appologizing for his behavior, offering to take the battery from me, I am suddenly taken over by a demon and snarl that I am totally capable of doing this myself and anyway I am never going to speak to him again. (It was a very stupid demon) I would think that after almost a 1/4 centry of marriage, I would cease to feel the need to, "make a point". The only point I ended up making was that stubborness only begets trips to the chiropracter. Later in the evening that wonderful, thoughtful and wise husband of mine, carried a fully charged battery out to the field, started her up and using the bucket and rear wheels, climbed forward, almost straight up and out. Mean while back at the house even though my two year old had been warned not to pick the cat up by the pointy ends, nor the part that looks just like a handle, miss Kitty still had to remind him of our lectures. His lesson was sharp, to the point and most unpleasant. I consoled him and reminded him that some lessons just have to be learned by experiencing them.

The Alice Chalmers Caper

2006-02-18T11:41:00.000-08:00

I was feeling quite smug and indignant about my husbands attitude, (and tone of voice), when out of nowhere a huge, new and uncharted canyon appears on the landscape!. Of course I had been remaining very alert, except for a few moments of what I thought were justifiable back patting, (nearly broke my arm). I reacted instantly! But large, old farm machines with delicate dispositions don't respond in the same manner. I stood straight up on the brakes and the clutch, praying to stop in time. Miss Chalmers, (what I call her when I am displeased with any of her behaviors), had other ideas. She slid, as if on prupose to teach me a lesson for not obeying her masters directions exactly, (I think she's jealous), straight down into the canyon. Well technically it was a ditch, but lets not argue over semantical choices, ok? After trying various tricks hubby had taught me , and eventually draining the charge from Miss you know who's battery, I took a desperate measure! I called my husband on the cell phone. Find out tomorrw how this incident resolved itself.

This is Fun!

2006-02-17T09:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, so now I have to learn how to add links and use links. I read it over once and don't understand it yet. I'm wanting as many people as possible to read this comic. I wonder if they make a, "Using Links For Dummies" book yet?

LIFE IN OREGON
I will never understand my perpetual failure to learn from past experience. It is a human thing I think, and not related to gender. I have observed that most children will repeat an unpleasant event several times before deciding it to be not worth the effort. That applies to adults as well.
On sunny and rare, (by virtue of their being in Oregon) days, I try to be prepared for landscaping tasks. Our very ancient but running Alice Chalmers tracter affectionately named Orangey by our family, has a very delicate constitution. My husband must constantly wou her with gifts of extra hydrolic fluid, and filters of various types. He is understandably protective towards her and tends to go on and on about her proper use. This day, as I was preparing to seize the sun, and go forth hacking and rolling over the blackberry vines, said husband stopped me for one of those interminable lectures that only he is capable of delivering. As he droned on about checking fluid levels, staying in low gear, (did he think my middle name was Mario for crying out loud?), and always to walk the trail because you never know what the winter rains have, blah, blah, blah, my brain was chewing holes inside itself trying to find some way to escape the lecture I had endured every spring for the 19 years we had been married. At last! He had become distracted by the need to go lec.., I mean instruct one of the kidletts on the proper use of a hand saw and I was able to escape! Orangey and I slowly circled our way down the over grown trail ducking barbed blackberry vine tentacles running amuck, as I prepared myself mentally for an entire glorius sun filled day of cultivating the south 40. Actually it's only 8 acres, not forty but after 3 hours it feels like forty! I was soooo pleased with myself. I had inched along carefully and though I had only walked three quarters of the trail, everything had gone well thusfar, and hey, what were the odds that anything bad had happened to the remaining quarter of the trail? I was feeling quite smug and indignant about my husbands attitude and of course his, "tone of voice". (We've had many tone of voice, "discussions", when out of nowhere an uncharted and obviously newly formed canyon appears on the horrizon! Find out tommorrow what happens in this amazing, true and unaltered, (really!) account of, "The Alice Chalmers Caper".
Cathe

I'll Do It Myself Then!

2006-02-16T20:44:00.000-08:00

What happens when you have a really great idea that just begs to be published and no one will touch it? Even though it's family friendly, tastefully executed and artisticly rendered? Just the because the entire subject matter is, shall we say, a little on the cuturally taboo side? Well you blog it, that's what you do! Here for the first time anywhere, (except for that preacher I showed it to one time in the coffee shop who I didn't know was a preacher) and the few friends I emailed a copy to.

Presenting: STRAIGHT UP

I changed the name after being told by a friend that, "Life In the Vas Lane" was a stupid title. Then I tried, "Viva La Deferens" which I thought was also very humerous but it received the same reception as the first title. So STRAIGHT UP , it is. Let me know what you think.